Nobody's Fine, and That's Okay

This weekend, I started reading Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton, and it is just currently saving me. I love books that make me feel like- "yeah, me too." I love when people tell the truth. It helps me tell the truth- to myself, and to others. It helps me be less scared- and that is important, because the world is scary.

Earlier, I learned alarming, heart breaking things. I can't say much because it is all very confidential. But  it involves an issue where someone feels like the world is scary and they feel like they are alone in that feeling. They aren't fine- but they feel like everyone else is- so they feel like they are alone.

So I sat and listened to people talk about this problem, and I just wanted to say- can't we all just be honest? Can't we all stop talking about solutions and just tell the truth. Of course, solutions are important. And it is important to keep moving forward sometimes. But I think it is more important in a situation such as this to stop talking about how to fix it and start saying- "yeah, me too."

I wish it was more common and accepted to truth-tell instead of problem-solve. 

"Not to belittle your pain, young friend. Not at all. You're hurting so much. But I must tell you that I do not pity you, instead  I feel for you. Actually, I feel with you. I don't know exactly how you feel- because the universe has somehow given me (at this point in time) some kind of method to cope with feelings of anxiety and feelings of not being fine and hold it inside for most of my day. But the overwhelming feeling- it does come out for me, too. Often when I'm around the people I'm comfortable with. I get upset, I get mean. I feel like I can't even cook my family dinner because it is just all too much. My "family" consists of just my husband and me- so that makes me feel pretty incapable. Why would that be too much? 

Seek| Whole 30 and A "Resolution" Word

Nick and I spent our New Year's Eve with family dancing at our traditional spot- the old Slovak Club my dad is a member of. It's not a wild crowd, but it is perfect for us! I hope you all had a wonderful time ringing in 2016 as well! Now that it is here, I have been thinking a lot about what I want 2016 to be about for me.

Before we went out to the most lovely place in town...

In my last post, I talked about how I feel like I've become lazy with doing the things I love and care about. I also reviewed my last year's version of New Years Resolutions, and realized I didn't do terrible, despite the fact I never even looked at my resolutions much after I wrote them down.

This year, I'm going to try something different. I saw this on another blog, and I now don't remember what blog this was, but it suggested choosing a word or a theme for the year rather than setting specific resolutions. I want to use the word seek, because last year, my biggest failure was in not seeking God nearly enough. The word seek can be used in every area I'd like to focus on and improve on in this upcoming year, and all of those things should be centered by seeking God in all things. 

Here are some ways that I want to "seek" this year:

1. Seek God. Pray more, set specific time aside for seeking Him. Seek areas to serve in my church. 

2. Seek to show God's love in my marriage. Seek to love Nick better.

3. Seek to care about approval and impressing others less in all areas of life, especially my job. Seek true and good reasons to do my best in all areas of life. 

4. Seek to be thankful and enjoy each day. Seek to complain less. This will be a hard one for me.

5. Seek to enjoy and stress less while spending time with people I love (especially when visiting family). Seek to show God's love in my relationships with others.

6. Seek to spend time doing things I enjoy and chasing after passions that I keep shoving to the side because "I don't have time."

7. Seek overall health. Seek movement in ways that I enjoy most. 

JOY| Reflecting on Laziness and 2015

I love reflecting on a year of life, as long as I did a lot of things that I can feel accomplished about in that year, that is. Otherwise, I feel like it is a bit hard to reflect, right? What if your attitude has changed in a year, you became a bit more pessimistic, stagnant, and lazy in some areas of life? It isn't fun to reflect on that kind of thing.
I haven't reflected on much at all yet during this season that is typically made for reflection. I'm a huge self improvement type of person. I LOVE consuming the information and the ways to eat better, to move better, to love better, to live better, to teach better (the list goes on). But I don't like to try it out that much. I like to think about doing it, but doing it seems hard, at least long term. In fact, this year, I've been even a bit too lazy for reflection, and i've been avoiding it because I'm just believing I won't do anything about my goals/ resolutions once I've reflected. Why does this happened?
I have a few theories, but as I think about it, I believe it is mostly because I started a pretty draining career this year. I mean, I did start it in 2014, but this fall I became a real teacher with my own classroom- and usually in all of my "free" time (all fifty-four seconds of it), I just want to veg out on the couch and watch Downton Abbey (thanks a lot Kim). Or stare at my phone (I love/hate that thing). 
I think vegging out is okay sometimes. But I think it is really bad when that is the temptation that I give in to day after day in my free moments. Maybe doing other, good and worthy things would be my best bet. It seems hard to do those things though? Why is it so hard to do good things? I mean, can anyone relate or am I the only one that gives into this stupid thing called laziness? Life isn't supposed to be easy- so why do I so often try to make it easy and comfortable?
Now, after beating myself up about all of this laziness, and with all intentions of beating myself up a little more, and after having a similar conversation to the one I am writing down with a best friend, I decided to look at what I wrote down as "resolutions" last year and how terribly I failed at them. Then I remembered I called them intentions after I read my old post. The fact that I had to read my own post to remember I called them intentions probably means I wasn't actually intentional about them- and of course the fact that I couldn't remember what they were. But when I looked at the list, I realized I might not be that terribly awful of a person all the time. Here's the list with commentary on how I did:
My 2015 Intentions: 1. Seek God. Listen. Read about Him. Unfortunately, not that well. The most important one, and the one I failed at most. Not all is lost, though. Nick and I did choose a church, and I did seek out wonderful new friends and a discipleship style relationship which is helping me grow. 
2. Serve and love my husband better. I don't think I can say I did well at this by any intention of my own. He is easy to love. I think he is the best! But I can say our second year of marriage is going better than the first (which was great, too), and I am intentional in this probably more than most things. There is always room for improvement, as this is the most important relationship other than my relationship with God. Nick is my number two, and I love him so much. 

Like I said, I love him!

3. Move more and make healthier choices. Yes. Other than the last month; thanks a lot Holidays! I tried new things, like running lots of miles and Cross Fit, and I started eating for my health and not for visible abs. Big win in this area because I started to learn the true reason to seek out these things. My mindset changed more than anything else, but that is really the most important if you ask me. 

I did so well at this goal, we even got couple of the year (it's because I actually never went to crossfit without Nick, but still)

4. Be a better organized teacher- but do it because it means you are loving your students better, not because you feel like people around you are watching/ judging. Urgh, no. Especially no to the second part. I try. But what comes with a new job, you ask? The feeling that you are ALWAYS being evaluated. I know it is true, and it isn't in the same sense. I know as a first year teacher there is a lot of evaluation, but also a lot of grace (at least I hope I'm right on that one). But I still can't help but feel like I need to do all the things to impress. In my heart of hearts, the only thing that will MAKE me change things and be a better teacher is thinking about those crazy weird 8th graders that I care about so much. 
5. Enjoy and cherish time with family. I always enjoy it and cherish it and look forward to it. But I've realized this year that when I am around family, I actually get anxious because I want to see and spend time with everyone equally and all at once. It makes me not the best person to be around sometimes. On the bright side, at least I've realized this, and plan to make efforts to change this. 

Hanging with my family at a UVA game.
6. Make a new friend. Or two or three. I won with this one. I wanted to make new friends, and I intentionally spent time with new people. I met new friends through work and church, and I love them all!
7. Enjoy my new (and most likely temporary) home while it lasts. Hah, remember that time I thought C'ville was so temporary? Now we are planting roots, and staying for a while. I'd say I started enjoying it this fall, finally. I now think it is magical. I guess I drank the water- now I just need to lure some more people that I love to this fantastical land. 

Falling in love with Virginia at cider houses (is that what they call them?) with breathtaking mountain views.

All in all, looking at these intentions, I've come to a few conclusions. (1) I'm really good at writing down goals and never looking at them again, and (2) this year I picked worthy goals that I cared about enough to naturally improve at most of them, even if it was just the smallest bit, without even looking at them. So maybe I will stop beating myself up. Because what good does that do?
I really like the fact that I picked non measurable goals this past year. I probably should have written them down on post its and note carts or painted a lovely canvas that displayed them in a place where I'd look each day, but I didn't. And it still ended up okay. The intentions weren't unrealistic, and my heart and head were naturally inclined to do these things. Most of all, they were all things that I felt would honor God more with my life, and I'm glad that I went with things that were meaningful. 
In 2016, I have some goals to do specific things I love with my free time (in other words: replace vegging out with meaningful things). I will probably journal about these things personally and come up with some serious plans to make them happen. But I really don't want to call these things resolutions or intentions. I just want to call them what they are- things I need to do if I care about myself and the passions that God has placed on my heart. It may not feel as free or as my flexible intentions from last year, but the laziness I've begun to adopt needs some serious structure. I don't love structure, but sometime we need it, right?
But that list is something extra. It is a list of goals, but I make lists of goals all the time. I want to follow through with them, but I won't. A lot of people say lists make them more focused on accomplishing things. For me, lists mean nothing other than writing down things  I presently care about accomplishing. But because of the way my brain works, I can move on without ever crossing anything off. I can totally forget what I wrote on the list, and also, probably where I put it. I won't do anything I once thought important enough to write down just because I wrote it on a list. There has to be more to it, something a little bigger. 
And that something else is seek God first, and not rely on myself alone to accomplish things. I think I say that so much and do it so little- I'm not intentional with it like I should be. So, more important than my goal list, I want to pick a word for the year; a word I'll focus on in every area of life. I've decided the word will be seek (creative, huh?), but I want to write a separate post about that word, and my thoughts around focusing on a word before focusing on a list- and how I think it might help a brain (my brain) that doesn't organize things in lists or boxes. But I'll talk about that another time because this is getting so long, and if you are still reading, you're a champ and I love you the most. Back to my laziness- I need to stop that, and so do you. We need to all start putting at least a little bit of energy towards things we love, even if we fail at those things sometimes.  

So here is a picture of me standing on top of a mountain, feeling accomplished and ambitious because I made it up there without breaking an ankle, and with fearing less that I will break an ankle than the last time I climbed it (because I am afraid of climbing rocks since I once totally screwed my ankle doing it). In this new year, may we all fear less, stop being lazy, and seek to do the worthy things we are passionate about instead, even if they are hard and sometimes even scary. Maybe we will all end up living the type of life we feel is meaningful and fulfilling, who knows?

P.S. This post was inspired by the movie Joy, which I had all intentions in talking about (it is in the title, after all), but I'm so long winded and I need to just stop. So I won't talk about it, because spoilers are no fun- just go see the movie and be inspired and do stuff with your life.

Hey! If you liked reading this, you can subscribe by e-mail so you don't miss a post! 

First Few Weeks | Journey to Paleo

I meant to write more throughout the beginning of this Paleo experiment, I really did. I could blame it entirely on teaching, because it takes up about 100% of my brain power. But then I also just feel silly writing about these things because, I mean, who wants to read my mourning over the loss of half-and-half and beer? I felt better almost immediately, but really, towards the very beginning, all I could think about were the hard parts and the fact that I had to pass up pizza twice within one week. But now, I feel a little more level headed, and I have experienced some serious improvements and clear indications that Paleo is working for me.

And I also realized that I am mostly writing this for me. I want to track my journey and the changes that I make. And helping someone else with similar health problems, or encouraging anyone to change their way of eating for the better; that is just a fantastic bonus.

I'll try to make this as brief as possible, but talking about three weeks of a complete diet change might be hard to put in just a few words.

From the Start...

Week one was the hard(er) week. I was faced with a lot of choices to make right at the beginning: do you want a donut, or maybe some pizza for dinner on parent/teacher conference night? These were some questions that I was faced with.

A lot of this lifestyle change came about because I was in this place where I was just eating what I wanted. That isn't a bad thing, in my opinion, but it is bad when you know it is going to be affecting your health. With my Hashimotos Thyroiditis, I know it is probably a better idea to say no to specific things.

Because I was extremely motivated from the start, it was actually pretty easy to pass by those definitely non paleo foods. I also started feeling better right away. By feeling better, I mean three days in I wasn't bloated. Now that I am three weeks in, I honestly feel like I dealt with chronic bloating before I decided to try Paleo, now I'm only bloated when I have any food that I'm intolerant to (which I sometimes still do).

The Second Week...

Week two was mostly easier. The hard parts came when I ran out of leftovers for lunch, and ended up having to eat canned salmon and spinach for lunch (yeah, not sustainable for me), or when I still couldn't figure out what to do about the fact that I hated drinking coffee without half and half. I also traveled a bit this second weekend, so it was the game of staying at it on the road.

The biggest thing I realized in the second week was that, more than anything, it was important not to stress over my food choices. If I had to make a non-perfect Paleo choice, I just did it and moved on with my life. This mindset is making me think I could make this a lifetime kind of lifestyle. I felt so much better this week, and by the end of the week, my skin was much clearer than it had ever been, I lost about 4-5 pounds total, and I was just a whole lot happier because I knew I was doing good things for my body.

Keeping On...

The more I get into making this lifestyle/ diet change, the more I enjoy it. I am trying new recipes and cooking whole, real foods. Honestly, I don't know if I have ever eaten more delicious foods. I have to admit that a grassfed sirloin tip roast slowcooked with sweet potatoes and carrots is about one million times better than the grab and go processed foods I would lean on before. It isn't that I wasn't eating fine before, it is just that Paleo is about quality, real, whole foods. And can I just say that that type of food is so delicious?

I am cooking with butter, I am eating fatty animal meats. I am baking with delicious butters and oils. I am eating quality dark chocolate and drinking delicious, nutrient dense bone broth.

Paleo is pretty much the easiest thing for me to follow. Giving up dairy and gluten is no problem when I get to eat such flavorful, filling foods. All of the things the health industry tells us (avoid fats, eat low carb, eat less, etc.) is just not sustainable, true, or effective. I have been eating whenever I am hungry, stopping when I am full, and eating what I am craving (protein, nutrient dense carbs, fats, you name it). My eating is much more healthy, not just physically, but mentally. I am not obsessing over portion sizes or eating times and ratios. I am not counting calories, macros, etc. I am just eating to fuel and heal my body, and listening the best I can to what my body needs.

Not Perfect...
There have been a few times that I've eaten not so paleo foods. About once a week, I drink some beer, full of gluten. It makes me extremely bloated, but craft beer is something I enjoy so much, and I don't think it would be a "healthy lifestyle" if I can't enjoy the things that make me happy every once in a while. It is more about not freaking out about being 100% all in to a certain lifestyle. I'm learning what actually works best for me.

Other than this, I have allowed myself some non-gluten grains, a sample sized dose of ice cream, and half and half in my coffee twice in the past three weeks. I can absolutely tell that I am intolerant to dairy (I've known that since I was 10) and gluten is definitely a culprit as well.

Why does it matter, though? Because, inflammation. Inflammation is what causes many diseases, and it also causes leaky gut, which is a huge reason that autoimmune diseases exist (at least from my reading, this is how it works). I don't want to feel tired all of the time, or have an awful, slow metabolism. So I am deciding to avoid inflammation as much as possible. This is really the major reason I am even eating this way.

Paleo Things I Love...
1. All the delicious meats
2. Great Lakes Collagen (a "protein powder" that is completely natural- it is essentially gelatin)
3. Bone broth
4. Roasted, whole chickens
5. Plantain chips (love, love, love, love!!!)
6. Butter
7. Making "Paleo" Baked Goods
8. Hard Ciders (dry)/ Wine (yes, these things are paleo friendly in my eyes)
9. The amazing podcasts and blogs in the paleo community

The thing I love about Paleo most of all is the mindset of most of the community- especially the pockets that I have found. It is so much more about a healthy mindset, wellness, and self love than anything else I have experienced in the health industry.

Eating this way is not about having visible abs. It is not about getting skinny, restricting yourself, being perfect. It is about sanity, or even happiness. And acceptance. It is about eating in a way that makes your body well. And I am so about that. I cannot believe how wrapped up I was before in transformation stores, and having toned muscles like competitors. Why would I care about that? How would a flat stomach or visible abs actually benefit my life? It wouldn't- with my body type, it would actually most likely be unhealthy to look that way.

If this lifestyle interests you in any way, I totally suggest that you just give it a try. Eat quality real foods, cut out the inflammatory foods as much as possible, and see how you feel. Most of all, eat to be well, not to look a certain way. And start to embrace the self love mindset.

If you are interested in Paleo, please feel free to ask me about it! It is one of my favorite topics to talk about. Of course I don't know everything- I feel like I am just starting to understand all of the details and scientific backing around it. But I feel like my experience of just starting out might be helpful to anyone looking to make the change!

Making my Paleo "Rules"

It keeps raining here. It is funny because so many Charlottesville-ians (that's what I'll call them), when it rains for two days in a row, start to freak out, or act like it has rained for three weeks straight already.

It hasn't. But it is going to keep raining a few more days, and it has for the past four or so. And I just think it is glorious. Something about the rain reminds me of home. Maybe it is that it is always raining in Western PA. 

So this weekend, we took advantage of the gloom and the rain. We stayed in, I re-decorated for fall, Nick diligently cleaned the house (he's the best). We hung out with friends in their homes and in breweries. We did a lot of reading. We went to church. And I meal-prepped to prepare myself to be kinder to my body.

Through all of my reading and listening to Podcasts and all, I came up with some rules for my own version of a Paleo challenge. I don't want to restrict myself in a way that won't make this sustainable. I want this to become a lifestyle (if it works for me, that is), so there has to be room for error.

Main rule of thumb: Eat foods that have been accessible for a long time. I don't like to think of it as "the way cavemen ate," because that just doesn't make sense to me for a number of reasons. For example, I'd rather eat in a way that more recent ancestors have eaten (you know, the people that the evidence is a bit more clear on). Also, we've made advancements in the world, we don't cook on fires (did they even cook anything? I don't know much about cavemen), and there is like no correspondence between their life then and how we live today in America and other first world countries. So how could we possibly call our way of eating "primal" in reference to cavemen when we cook in kitchens and feed our families at tables? 

Rather, these should be foods your great, great grandmother had access to, and not the stuff that she didn't have access to, like say, Oreos, or lean pockets (not that I really eat those anyways, but it is just an example). PS, no judging if you eat those things. I am simply explaining what is definitely not "Paleo."

Here are some more specific rules that I am using after researching a bunch:

1. No dairy, other than grass fed butter. If I don't see any difference, I'll switch to Ghee, but that stuff is expensive! Apparently, butter has a different make up so it does not affect the digestive system in the same way as dairy. Ghee is even better, but like I said, we are working with butter for now.

*I realize that my great, great grandmother my have had access to dairy, but I just don't do well with it. If I did, I would absolutely allow full fat, grass raised, organic everything dairy. But that isn't going to work for me.

2. Cut out most grains, and all gluten. No wheat, especially. I can't wait to see if this changes anything for my digestive system. 

The above two rules are the ones I am going to try to be most diligent on for at least 3-4 weeks straight, with no cheating. I know I am intolerant to dairy, and I have a suspicion I might be intolerant to gluten as well. I've tried to cut it out before, but cupcakes, and muffins, and beer, and bread...it's hard, you know?

3. Cut out added sugars, because they're basically poison. I am allowing some raw honey/ pure maple syrup and stevia on occasion. Because it won't work for me to go without all of that.

4. Avoid processed foods, and ingredients that are typical to these types of foods: Soy of any kind, Seed oils, Corn oils, Hydrogenated Oils (what does that even mean?), etc. My coconut oil spray from TJs has soy lecithin in it. This has been the hardest hit to take so far. I'll be cooking with real oils and butters I guess!

5. Use sparingly or not at all: Legumes. I'm not that sad about this. However, I will eat the most organic form of hummus that I can find or make my own. It is the only healthy snack that I really love other than fruit. Can't live without it!

Things I am adding to my diet:

1. Fermented foods. Right now, just Kombucha, because I really can't think of much else that I want to eat that is fermented, or where to get it. If you have suggestions, let me know! This is for stomach healing purposes. 

2. Gelatin. This is for healing purposes and protein purposes (because I can't really find a protein powder that doesn't violate at least one of the above rules, and if I do find it, I bet it will be awful).

3. Magnesium and Omega 3 supplements. These are just the most recommended supplements from what I have read.

There are a lot of other foods I am adding that I don't normally eat, but I'm not going to list all of them.

The stuff I get to eat:

1. A lot of veggies, at least 6 large servings a day. I love vegetables, but that is a lot, and I am going to try my best.

Pictured are veggies and (my favorite) starchy carbs.

2. At least four servings of protein a day. This is going to be tough as well because (1)eating that much protein from meat makes me feel a little weird, like I am eating too much. (2)I am only supplementing it with gelatin, and I'm not sure how I'll enjoy consuming that quite yet. (3)Eggs have been making me feel awful, so those aren't really an option, and eggs are a Paleo diet's best friend. 

3. Lots of starchy carbs! Yay! I couldn't be happier about this. I am choosing a high carb low fat version, but honestly, I'm not going to keep track too diligently (I want this to be a lifestyle, not some crazy counting obsession, which is what it always turns into for me). Potatoes, Sweet Potatoes, Other starchy veggies that are delicious (think, pumpkin, sweet squashes, etc.) And fruits- all the fruits I could ever want! Can you tell I'm excited about this part?

4. Healthy fats. I'll be eating these somewhat sparingly, but it will be enough. I'm not a huge fats lover, other than peanut butter, but I also don't eat them in their full servings for the most part. Coconut oil, coconut milk, nut butters, olive oil, butter, animal fats all count here.

5. Drinks: I am going to drink water, lots of it. And coffee and tea and kombucha to my heart's desire!

The stuff I'll have as treats:

1. Dark chocolate, every once in a while. Because chocolate.

2. Alcohol: Wine and Ciders (dry). I need something to numb the pain of losing beer...

I'll probably try to limit these things to 2-3 times a week. We will see. I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

So there you have it. It is honestly pretty simple. I just have to spend a little extra time reading labels in grocery stores to make sure I'm not buying processed things with hidden ingredients, but really most of the stuff I buy doesn't have a label.


Moral of the story: If you are trying to change your lifestyle to a healthier one, I suggest doing your research and finding something that works for you. Don't follow one single plan made up by one person (or even a group of people). There is such complexity to our bodies and lives, so what one person came up with because it works for them might not work for you.

I don't know everything, but I have tried so many different diets, work out plans, etc. Things seem to work best when I just calm down, stop measuring, and do what I know will work best for me. This is an experiment in healthy living, and I know that things will change over time. I need to give myself grace for that, and come up with something that specifically works for me, my body, and my personality!

Monday (day 1) went really well, other than I probably didn't eat enough because this stuff fills me up fast, and I felt like I was going to pass out after my work out. But we will get there! Let me know if you've tried Paleo, and any foods that you love! So far, Kombucha is my sweet tooth's life saver (yep...it has only been one day, and my sweet tooth already needed to be saved.)