Earlier, I learned alarming, heart breaking things. I can't say much because it is all very confidential. But it involves an issue where someone feels like the world is scary and they feel like they are alone in that feeling. They aren't fine- but they feel like everyone else is- so they feel like they are alone.
So I sat and listened to people talk about this problem, and I just wanted to say- can't we all just be honest? Can't we all stop talking about solutions and just tell the truth. Of course, solutions are important. And it is important to keep moving forward sometimes. But I think it is more important in a situation such as this to stop talking about how to fix it and start saying- "yeah, me too."
I wish it was more common and accepted to truth-tell instead of problem-solve.
"Not to belittle your pain, young friend. Not at all. You're hurting so much. But I must tell you that I do not pity you, instead I feel for you. Actually, I feel with you. I don't know exactly how you feel- because the universe has somehow given me (at this point in time) some kind of method to cope with feelings of anxiety and feelings of not being fine and hold it inside for most of my day. But the overwhelming feeling- it does come out for me, too. Often when I'm around the people I'm comfortable with. I get upset, I get mean. I feel like I can't even cook my family dinner because it is just all too much. My "family" consists of just my husband and me- so that makes me feel pretty incapable. Why would that be too much?
Because, I am not fine. I, like you, am not all together. I am not complete. I am hurting, I am broken, I am failing at a lot of things. I don't like myself a lot of the time, and I want to do everything I do better. I don't ever feel like it is enough, even if I do well. And I just can't seem to get it right. But I expect myself to. So I get overwhelmed because I wonder why I just can't do it all- and why most of the time I do everything to such a mediocre quality. We have so much in common, precious friend. I am not fine at all, and neither are you, and that is okay. The world is scary- but if we are honest and we are together in this, we will make it. The scary can become beautiful, actually. I know it isn't easy to see, but it is true. And it is okay that you don't see it. It is okay that you aren't fine. You. are. not. alone in these feelings." That is what I wanted to say.
Because, I am not fine. I, like you, am not all together. I am not complete. I am hurting, I am broken, I am failing at a lot of things. I don't like myself a lot of the time, and I want to do everything I do better. I don't ever feel like it is enough, even if I do well. And I just can't seem to get it right. But I expect myself to. So I get overwhelmed because I wonder why I just can't do it all- and why most of the time I do everything to such a mediocre quality. We have so much in common, precious friend. I am not fine at all, and neither are you, and that is okay. The world is scary- but if we are honest and we are together in this, we will make it. The scary can become beautiful, actually. I know it isn't easy to see, but it is true. And it is okay that you don't see it. It is okay that you aren't fine. You. are. not. alone in these feelings." That is what I wanted to say.
Right now, in this moment, after hearing this person talk, after seeing the pain, after reading such wonderful, comfortable words that I am reading in this book, I feel like the only thing I want to do better is just tell the truth. Just like Melton says. I want to be an expert in truth telling. To myself, to others around me.
If I am being honest, right now, I. am. not. fine. None of us are. Some of us hide it really well and feel like the most important thing in life is to be put together and hide the un-fine-ness. I think those are the most unhappy of people. I'm not one of them, but I used to be, and sometimes still feel like I should be. But the longer I live, I just realize more that it's best to stop faking it. Honesty feels better, especially when other people are honest, too.
So we are not fine. And that can feel like it sucks, for lack of a better word. I mean, how much longer are we going to have to live on this Earth and not be fine? It could be another day, another year, or another sixty years or more.
How can we possibly cope with not being fine for so long? Well, you can believe what you want, but here is what helps me: I may not be fine, but I am loved. Not only do I believe that I am loved by imperfect humans (and I've been blessed by some pretty great, darn near perfect ones), I am also loved by a perfect God.
He knows what I feel every single day- every moment. When I feel alone- I am not. He is with me. Isn't that what we all need- for someone to be with us in our pain? We don't necessarily need to be fine, I don't think. We just need to be together. And this side of heaven, that's all we have, and it is more than enough.
So lets stop being "good" and "fine." Let's start being honest. We aren't fine. We might be happy at any given moment, or thankful or grateful (we should definitely be those last two things- because we are alive and we are loved and that is enough.) But we aren't fine. Pretending this has become one of the biggest facades, and it does so much damage, to ourselves and others.
I am not saying happiness is fake, or that we can't be great, or that life can't be fantastic. All of those things can be true. They are for me, often, and I thank God for His good and perfect gifts that make me feel this way. I am just saying that to feel happy is not the purpose of life- there is always another side. That even if we are happy, surprised, blessed, in love, whatever, that doesn't mean we are fine.
There are things hurting us. There are things overwhelming us. I don't care if you just got engaged or just graduated top of your class or just got married or just had the most delightful baby shower. I don't care if you just got an A on the hardest exam of the year. If you just became a grandparent, renewed your vows, or went through any happy thing. It could be the best day of your life- the best year of your life- but there is still something scary ahead, or even happening at the same time. There is always something scary, overwhelming, brutal- to go with something beautiful. As Melton puts it- life is brutiful (brutal, beautiful). And though that doesn't make us fine, it is okay. Because the scary and the brutal? It shapes us. It changes us, and it brings us closer together if we let it. It brings us closer to our Father, if we let it.
"In this world- you will have trouble. But take heart. For I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
"I am with you always, even unto the end of the world" (Matt 28:20)
Take heart. He has gone through it and He has overcome it. He is with you. He is with us always.
And it is my belief that He uses us as gifts to one another. And our job is to be a picture of His love, for one another. We are love notes. So let's stop writing the story that we think looks best, and lets start writing the honest, loving, healing one instead. Let's stop being fine; let's just be with one another.
P.S. You should really read this book:
