I love reflecting on a year of life, as long as I did a lot of things that I can feel accomplished about in that year, that is. Otherwise, I feel like it is a bit hard to reflect, right? What if your attitude has changed in a year, you became a bit more pessimistic, stagnant, and lazy in some areas of life? It isn't fun to reflect on that kind of thing.
I haven't reflected on much at all yet during this season that is typically made for reflection. I'm a huge self improvement type of person. I LOVE consuming the information and the ways to eat better, to move better, to love better, to live better, to teach better (the list goes on). But I don't like to try it out that much. I like to think about doing it, but doing it seems hard, at least long term. In fact, this year, I've been even a bit too lazy for reflection, and i've been avoiding it because I'm just believing I won't do anything about my goals/ resolutions once I've reflected. Why does this happened?
I have a few theories, but as I think about it, I believe it is mostly because I started a pretty draining career this year. I mean, I did start it in 2014, but this fall I became a real teacher with my own classroom- and usually in all of my "free" time (all fifty-four seconds of it), I just want to veg out on the couch and watch Downton Abbey (thanks a lot Kim). Or stare at my phone (I love/hate that thing).
I think vegging out is okay sometimes. But I think it is really bad when that is the temptation that I give in to day after day in my free moments. Maybe doing other, good and worthy things would be my best bet. It seems hard to do those things though? Why is it so hard to do good things? I mean, can anyone relate or am I the only one that gives into this stupid thing called laziness? Life isn't supposed to be easy- so why do I so often try to make it easy and comfortable?
Now, after beating myself up about all of this laziness, and with all intentions of beating myself up a little more, and after having a similar conversation to the one I am writing down with a best friend, I decided to look at what I wrote down as "resolutions" last year and how terribly I failed at them. Then I remembered I called them intentions after I read my old post.
The fact that I had to read my own post to remember I called them intentions probably means I wasn't actually intentional about them- and of course the fact that I couldn't remember what they were. But when I looked at the list, I realized I might not be that terribly awful of a person all the time. Here's the list with commentary on how I did:
My 2015 Intentions:
1. Seek God. Listen. Read about Him. Unfortunately, not that well. The most important one, and the one I failed at most. Not all is lost, though. Nick and I did choose a church, and I did seek out wonderful new friends and a discipleship style relationship which is helping me grow.
2. Serve and love my husband better. I don't think I can say I did well at this by any intention of my own. He is easy to love. I think he is the best! But I can say our second year of marriage is going better than the first (which was great, too), and I am intentional in this probably more than most things. There is always room for improvement, as this is the most important relationship other than my relationship with God. Nick is my number two, and I love him so much.
Like I said, I love him!
3. Move more and make healthier choices. Yes. Other than the last month; thanks a lot Holidays! I tried new things, like running lots of miles and Cross Fit, and I started eating for my health and not for visible abs. Big win in this area because I started to learn the true reason to seek out these things. My mindset changed more than anything else, but that is really the most important if you ask me.
I did so well at this goal, we even got couple of the year (it's because I actually never went to crossfit without Nick, but still)
4. Be a better organized teacher- but do it because it means you are loving your students better, not because you feel like people around you are watching/ judging. Urgh, no. Especially no to the second part. I try. But what comes with a new job, you ask? The feeling that you are ALWAYS being evaluated. I know it is true, and it isn't in the same sense. I know as a first year teacher there is a lot of evaluation, but also a lot of grace (at least I hope I'm right on that one). But I still can't help but feel like I need to do all the things to impress. In my heart of hearts, the only thing that will MAKE me change things and be a better teacher is thinking about those crazy weird 8th graders that I care about so much.
5. Enjoy and cherish time with family. I always enjoy it and cherish it and look forward to it. But I've realized this year that when I am around family, I actually get anxious because I want to see and spend time with everyone equally and all at once. It makes me not the best person to be around sometimes. On the bright side, at least I've realized this, and plan to make efforts to change this.
Hanging with my family at a UVA game.
6. Make a new friend. Or two or three. I won with this one. I wanted to make new friends, and I intentionally spent time with new people. I met new friends through work and church, and I love them all!
7. Enjoy my new (and most likely temporary) home while it lasts. Hah, remember that time I thought C'ville was so temporary? Now we are planting roots, and staying for a while. I'd say I started enjoying it this fall, finally. I now think it is magical. I guess I drank the water- now I just need to lure some more people that I love to this fantastical land.
Falling in love with Virginia at cider houses (is that what they call them?) with breathtaking mountain views.
All in all, looking at these intentions, I've come to a few conclusions. (1) I'm really good at writing down goals and never looking at them again, and (2) this year I picked worthy goals that I cared about enough to naturally improve at most of them, even if it was just the smallest bit, without even looking at them. So maybe I will stop beating myself up. Because what good does that do?
I really like the fact that I picked non measurable goals this past year. I probably should have written them down on post its and note carts or painted a lovely canvas that displayed them in a place where I'd look each day, but I didn't. And it still ended up okay. The intentions weren't unrealistic, and my heart and head were naturally inclined to do these things. Most of all, they were all things that I felt would honor God more with my life, and I'm glad that I went with things that were meaningful.
In 2016, I have some goals to do specific things I love with my free time (in other words: replace vegging out with meaningful things). I will probably journal about these things personally and come up with some serious plans to make them happen. But I really don't want to call these things resolutions or intentions. I just want to call them what they are- things I need to do if I care about myself and the passions that God has placed on my heart. It may not feel as free or as my flexible intentions from last year, but the laziness I've begun to adopt needs some serious structure. I don't love structure, but sometime we need it, right?
But that list is something extra. It is a list of goals, but I make lists of goals all the time. I want to follow through with them, but I won't. A lot of people say lists make them more focused on accomplishing things. For me, lists mean nothing other than writing down things I presently care about accomplishing. But because of the way my brain works, I can move on without ever crossing anything off. I can totally forget what I wrote on the list, and also, probably where I put it. I won't do anything I once thought important enough to write down just because I wrote it on a list. There has to be more to it, something a little bigger.
And that something else is seek God first, and not rely on myself alone to accomplish things. I think I say that so much and do it so little- I'm not intentional with it like I should be. So, more important than my goal list, I want to pick a word for the year; a word I'll focus on in every area of life. I've decided the word will be seek (creative, huh?), but I want to write a separate post about that word, and my thoughts around focusing on a word before focusing on a list- and how I think it might help a brain (my brain) that doesn't organize things in lists or boxes.
But I'll talk about that another time because this is getting so long, and if you are still reading, you're a champ and I love you the most. Back to my laziness- I need to stop that, and so do you. We need to all start putting at least a little bit of energy towards things we love, even if we fail at those things sometimes.
So here is a picture of me standing on top of a mountain, feeling accomplished and ambitious because I made it up there without breaking an ankle, and with fearing less that I will break an ankle than the last time I climbed it (because I am afraid of climbing rocks since I once totally screwed my ankle doing it). In this new year, may we all fear less, stop being lazy, and seek to do the worthy things we are passionate about instead, even if they are hard and sometimes even scary. Maybe we will all end up living the type of life we feel is meaningful and fulfilling, who knows?
P.S. This post was inspired by the movie Joy, which I had all intentions in talking about (it is in the title, after all), but I'm so long winded and I need to just stop. So I won't talk about it, because spoilers are no fun- just go see the movie and be inspired and do stuff with your life.
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